Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Politics and monkeys...

This post is a bit lazy on my part, but that's okay, because it's funny stuff. Quotes about our mighty commander in chief, his cronies, etc, from late-night...
Which makes me wish Conan O'Brien would run for president.

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon.
If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's
thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran
accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did
there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're
already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is
nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn
approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a
broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in
Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students,
'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" --Conan

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away
some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals
to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records
thrown out." --Jay Leno

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do
taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." --Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's
not really that much for being president when you think about it. But
President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight
months of vacation every year." --Jay Leno

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not
remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's
exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to
declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th
titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The
commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin
Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August
26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to
Attack Inside the United States.'" --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend

Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know
Tony Blair was sick?" --Jay Leno

And jokewriters were worried when Clinton left office...
Reagan once talked about the need to eliminate the "Evil Empire". And Egg Shen once said, "China is here, Mr. Burton." To which Jack Burton replied, "China is here? What the hell does that mean?" My point is, Big Trouble in Little China was a good movie. And someday, I'd like to write the sequel.
Because when the wind's howlin' and the rain's coming down in sheets, and you think the world's coming to an end, ol' Jack Burton just looks that storm in the eye and says 'Give it your best shot pal. I can take it.'

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