Macho Movie Review: THE EXPENDABLES

This movie. This f'in movie here. Look at it! It's the cinematic equivalent of that guy who wears too much Brut, but he can get away with it because he's awesome. You know the guy, all swagger, no style. But there's just something about him that lets him get away with it.

The Expendables is a film where the sum of its parts is not greater than the whole, nor is the whole equal to even a fraction of its parts. It boasts a superstar action cast, and wastes 70 percent of their screen presence.

Stallone, though a bit too surgically enhanced in the face, is still able to convey that everyman/toughguy persona to perfection. He's not afraid to show his age here, running with a gait that betrays old knees and stiff joints. He attempts to have a character grappling with the consequences of his actions (a bit tacked-on, but he gets an A for effort).

The movie does everything it's supposed to do.The short list of awesome action cliches (mild spoilers below):
Bad car logic:
A car chase through the streets of New Orleans comes to an end inside of a warehouse. How does Stallone get his truck into the warehouse? Through a plate glass window, of course. do we see this window coming? No. Do we know that Stallone's truck is headed up a ramp? No. We are to trust that the awesome force of Stallone causes the truck to fly through the window somehow (but at least we don't know what floor it's on...)

Bad villain logic:
The bad guy's plans all go to hell, so he tries to make his escape. He runs away with the girl as his hostage, presumably to have a shield of some sort, a bargaining chip. Here's the problem: Her dad is the leader of the nation and he just got killed. So did all of his army. Stallone's coming for vengeance, so the bad guy's dying either way. Why does he drag her through the jungle, slowing himself down? Why not shoot her and get away faster?

Odd fight logic:
Dolph Lundgren has Jet Li dead to rights, ready to kill him, but of course pauses just long enough to let Stallone shoot him. There's a brief "TELL ME THE PLAN SO YOU CAN DIE WITH HONOR" dialogue exchange, and we're led to believe that Dolph dies in the warehouse. (odd sequel logic prevents this at the end).

My favorite part of this movie is that Mickey Rourke seems to be in a completely different film, one about a psychologically tortured ex-mercenary who's trying to start over in a tattoo shop in the middle of nowhere. Every once in a while, Stallone's film comes barreling through, and they interact, but I honestly wanted to spend more time seeing what Rourke was up to.

On a fanboy sidenote, it was pretty cool to see Randy Couture go one-on-one with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but any MMA fan worth their salt noticed the Nogueira brothers early on in the film as bad guys. Surely they could have worked a two-on-one fight scene in there. Missed opportunity.

As goofy as the film is, it just works. it's just a bunch of past-their-prime and/or B-list action stars saying "hey, remember how fun these kinds of films were?" And it is fun. From the bad laser-sights on the rifles that kick off the film to Terry Crews' hilariously over-the-top automatic shotgun/nuclear death dealer the action is non-stop, the explosions are loud, the fights are down and dirty.

You can't ask for more out of a film like this...but a little extra character development would be nice.

The vibe of the film is best summed up in the glorious meeting between Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Schwarzenegger. They trade barbs, posture and menace each other, but you can see the "can you believe we're still doing this?" glee in their eyes.

Arnold's going to be out of office soon, so if they can get him into the sequel, I'll be more than willing to go for one more last hurrah with these guys.

Music Monday - Amanda F. Palmer tweets to me...

I had my first brush with the power of Twitter today. Yes, in the past it has gotten me things like coffee discounts, and also informed me that Wil Wheaton has conversations with his dog. But TODAY, Amanda Palmer (of the Dresden Dolls and such) tweeted this photo:

Which, translated, means:
"a woman without a belly is like heaven without any stars"

And I commented on it thusly:
"they make the greatest nap pillows ever."


And then I got this!


Amanda Fucking Palmer (that's her legal middle name) tweeted me! And she's marrying Neil Gaiman, who's like, my favorite writer in forever! It's like I'm the best man at their wedding now! Or, at the very least, the creepy guy in the tower across the street with high powered binoculars who's saying "good on you, you two crazy lovebirds" as they exchange vows.

Have you ever been tweeted by the famous? Tell me all about it...

(and her new EvelynEvelyn project with the awesome Jason Webley - who was on one of my last Music Mondays -  is now on tour, so check them out when they're in your town!)

I'd say all of this was worthy of doing a Music Monday on a Tuesday, wouldn't you?

Under the Dome by Stephen King

This massive work from Stephen King was at once engaging and frustrating. Clocking in at over 1,000 pages, and featuring a vast array of characters, "ambitious" is easily the best word to describe this work from King. At this later stage of his career, it would be easy for him to crank out shorter books and stories, but he's still attempting to tackle epics.

In this case, he succeeds, and through success, also fails a bit. The book takes place in the small town of Chester's Mill, and by the time you're halfway through the book, you'll feel as if you lived in the town yourself. This is where the book scores its greatest victory. However, keeping up with every individual character becomes tiresome and occasionally confusing as events begin to ramp up towards the big ending. The town finds itself surrounded by an invisible dome. Nobody knows where it came from or how to get rid of it. Everyone is trapped in the town, and as resources dwindle, tensions run high. Small town politics, back door deals, and skeletons in the closet quickly come into play, and what was once a cozy town becomes a war zone, with one corrupt politician seeking to make a play for power, fame, and money while conveniently eliminating his enemies.

The explanation of the dome, and by extension, the end of the book, are a bit disappointing, as King uses an external device to solve the immense problems he'd kept long simmering between these townfolk. He pulls no punches in who lives and who dies, and his style is still engaging, but I think he missed the chance to create something amazing by venturing into the fantastic. It's a bit hard to discuss without getting into spoilers, but I do recommend the book to anyone with a lot of free time (and strong arms).

Out of the competition and what we've learned...

I was eliminated from the Amazon Breakthrough Novel 2010 competition. Quarterfinalist was a pretty good run for a book that's not exactly mainstream fiction, so I'm pretty happy with the result. part of the prize package of being a quarterfinalist is a review from Publisher's Weekly, and after reading some of the other contestant's feedback, I think I dodged a bullet. My review is pretty middle of the road, nothing fantastic, nothing bad, I only wish I knew which parts they were referring to when they said "mostly manages"...

For your reading pleasure, The Publisher's Weekly Review:
"Lucifer may not be such a bad guy after all. Here, he's part Sam Spade and part wisecracking governor of hell. In the afterlife, everyone receives thirteen anima crystals. The crystals reflect misdeeds or shortcoming in their own life, and only after they overcome or repent for their sins are they able to advance to heaven. The only problem is that Aspen Biltmore, a vapid, shopping obsessed strumpet, has stolen others' crystals in an attempt to sneak in to heaven to be with Lenny, the angel she loves. When Lucifer learns his own anima crystals have disappeared, the murderous Cain and Abel make an appearance, as do the schizophrenic Hectate and the universe destroying Yaotl. Fortunately Lucifer has the help of Monkey, the immortal trickster of Chinese mythology, Goliath the Philistine, and Eve, who now works as a waitress. While the plot may seem convoluted, the author mostly manages it with an excellent sense of tongue-in-cheek humor and very creative recasting of the afterlife."

I've begun submitting Angel Falls to agents in earnest now, I'm going to try a slow approach, one per week with an increasing pace this summer. I also have a few decent leads on publishing houses. This battle's not over yet! I will get this book in the hands of the masses!

Returning to the scene of the crime...

So, way back in October, I had a post about a foggy beach ride in which I encountered a mysterious carousel in the middle of a parking lot by the beach that hadn't been there the day before.

Ahh, Hollywood magic. Here's where it ended up:

Somewhere around the 12 second mark.

Now if I could only find out where the footage of that dancing flailing model I saw ended up...

Hero of Ages by Brandon Sanderson

The closing chapter of the Mistborn trilogy. After having read Sanderson's debut novel Elantris, I was excited to see where this was all leading. He does a fantastic job of world building, getting into the details of life to a meticulous level (religion, economy, politics) without being dull. He has a flair for writing fight scenes and keeping the action taut and suspenseful.

He also has a penchant for using the phrase "raised an eyebrow". I swear to God, if you made a drinking game out of spotting cocked eyebrows in this book, you'd be David Crosby before you got to the final page. I used Amazon's "search inside" feature on the phrase "raised an eyebrow" or "eyebrow" and it returned close to fifty hits. That equates to someone doing an impression of the Rock about once every ten pages. It GLARES.



Eyebrows aside, the trilogy follows a fascinating arc. Rather than telling a tale about how a band of heroes saved the world from destruction, it's more about how those attempts failed and what needs to be done to fix them. There are a wide array of characters and species to follow, some fascinating, others feeling a bit like plot devices or a bit two dimensional. I would recommend the Mistborn Trilogy for anyone who really likes epic fantasy (I'm only a passing fan, and it's the twist Sanderson puts on things that kept me coming back), but I would still steer people towards Elantris above this collection.

Wanna read an excerpt from Angel Falls?

Amazon has started posting the 500 quarterfinalists excerpts in Kindle form, but fear not! There's a (very tiny) link there for "Available on your PC" as well. Here's the two posted reviews from the page:

Amazon.com Review
I absolutely loved this excerpt from ANGEL FALLS. The concept is fresh, fun, and incredibly entertaining. The voice of "Lucifer (?)" is constant, wonderfully irreverent, easy to read, and very, very funny. This is a well written character, who never takes himself too seriously. I giggled and laughed out loud throughout this excerpt. It feels very reminiscent of Douglas Adams, which is the highest compliment that I can pay. I really want to read the rest of this; please, don't change a thing.

Amazon.com Review
I like to review with the question in mind, "If I read this chapter online, would I buy the rest of the book?" Not only is this excerpt a perfect example of a "yes!" to this question, it's also a case where I would steadfastly feel that Prime shipping just isn't fast enough! I love everything about this piece, but the strongest aspect to me is the wonderful narration - which combines a superb Theology Kitchen Sink approach with a wonderful dry wit and irreverent humor. Add to that a layer of detailed and careful world-building of an afterlife that breaks all the traditional rules, and you have a winner. The narrator is wonderfully three-dimensional, as he oscillates between a wry appreciation of the good (if sometimes boring) afterlife, a wistful nostalgia for his friends and coworkers in heaven, and a playfully cutthroat interest in turning every situation to his advantage...even an eye on the throne itself. The narrative details really sell this piece. The "Bunny Slopes" originally meant to torment the damned, now a vacation resort. The lake of tears, and Lucifer's sweep past that particular topic - the effect wonderfully and completely 'humanizes' the fallen angel to the reader. The painfully earnest Phaleg, who embodies that rarest of comic relief - a character who is amusing without being annoying, and sympathetic without stealing the show from the main character. I honestly hope this excerpt wins the contest - my only regret is that even if it does, I myself will still have to wait quite some time before I can read the rest. Congratulations on a job well done.

So, if you'd like to give it a read in advance of the deluge of me asking for your reviews and such, click THIS LINK.

Also, today I've achieved my childhood dream of being ranked #44,831 in Amazon's Kindle Store. Where to go from here?


Edit: I just realized Amazon requires you to download Kindle for Mac or PC in order to get/read this - I'm trying it out now. It's a fairly small program, so...you know. I appreciate your help! I want to check the rules and see what I can do about posting an excerpt here.